The question came in to my brain today while I was working and tonight, now, I have time to ramble about it. If part of us aches, we try to make it better. Could be an advil, could be a turkey burger from Burgerville, could be a smile from a child or a lick from a dog. We all ache and I think part of our journey in life is to figure out what it is in life that makes us feel better again.
These aches- these pains that are associated with so much pain--- where did they come from? From age, yes. From love, yes. From fear, sadness, glory and emotion, yes. Growing pains begin the day you are born and I don't think they end until the day you leave this earth.
I always thought that growning older would mean that life would get easier. For some reason, I thought that the hardest stuff happened in those awkward moments at school, or Flo Bailyn's cotillian, or in fights with big brother over who told mom what. I somehow imagined life as an adult would be easier- I'd have a partner to face any battle with, but didn't even think that far--- never imagined battles. I thought my glamourous job would be a walk in the park... but probably didn't think that far either. I just didn't think that grown up life would be tivo and paint chips and dry rot and cancer and fires and rabies shots for pets hoping to travel overseas.
These aches and pains- and glories and sadnessess--- these are the manifestation of life's greatest gift- of existence- of consciousness and living- and feeling and doing--- did too much and now my knee hurts. Loved so much that now my heart hurts. Got so excited to play with fire that now I'm burned. That's life.
There aren't many problems that dog licks don't help at least a little bit. Phone calls with mom help more. Friends help leaps and bounds, too. Strangely, I'm more thankful now for my skinned knees, or tears shed or joint laughter (I mean when 2 friends laugh together- not wrist pops talking to you) cause those are the life in life. Those things make and keep us real. The healing part happens between the injuries. The built endurance and character developed getting from hurt to healed is where the life happens and where the real us-es.... all of us... become our truest selves.
As Joe snores and the tv glow buzzes, I say sleep well, everyone. Thanks for reading. Glad the moment happened.
There. I felt like writing, so I did.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Consuming
Ok, so I feel like the writer me is gently oozing back into myself- my brain, my body, my fingers, my consciousness. Whatever it is, why ever I feel like it, wherever this voice is that has to be heard by someone, somewhere, here it goes.
I just spent two weeks in mind-blowing Maui. I'm ready to spend 365 days there squeezing dirt and hanging with chickens, lettuces and avocado trees. I loved it there. I loved the sun that said hello every day and left me with pinkish-brown kissed cheeks. I loved the giant sea turtles that blessed me with their presence when I happened to paddle-meander into their chosen coral reefs. I loved the sunrises that I woke up to every morning and the sunsets that helped me say goodbye to the amazing days that came before them. Maui. Maui Maui Maui. Maui on my brain.
One of the lessons I learned there in Maui was that after dragging toppling suitcases through the airport and squeezing their contents into the convertible (not easy with 2 over-eager packing princesses in a 2 bag trunk space) was that I didn't need that much at all. At all. Never carried a purse, instead made the camera bag my purse. It had zippers- all I needed. I wore tank tops and swim suits, my same pair of shorts every day, and yes, I had my 'dress up' nights, but overall, I only needed a fraction of what I took. As I thought about that, I reflected on ALL the crap that encompasses my life suitcase and man oh man it's overflowing. I've got more clothes than I will ever wear out in my lifetime. It's so rare that I wear anything thin (side for my favorite pairs of socks- they never seem to last long enough) that I am trying to turn around my consuming habits as of last week.
I go in to stores now, but do it more to look and see what's there. And strangely, the first thought that I'm thinking when I pick up another beautiful hoody is 'I don't need this in Maui.' I saw a gorgeous watch as I was just flipping through my 15th catalog in the pile that acrued while I was on island, and yep, time doesn't matter on Maui. Still trying to unpack everything I took- haven't washed yet, haven't folded, still in suitcase, but I don't feel like I even want to put it away.
Have you heard of Saturn Return? Hippy dippy introspective stuff, but the jist is that, based on 7 year cycles, our soul's energy goes up and down through life-- big years being the multiples of 7. I think I heard about this in my 26-27 year. Big crunch, that time between 28-30. Who the heck am I- what am I doing- how do I do it- where do I go- what do I do definition squeezing role playing understanding self stuff. I turned 35 in March. This year has been a tricky one for me (aren't they all?) but this one feels a little bit different. I feel like I'm allowing myself to become my truest self. I'm enjoying people I love, I'm doing what works for me, I'm making choices for myself. Hoping this doesn't sound selfish- but acknowledging that to some it will. It's hard to not feel like putting yourself or your needs first is a bad thing, but right now, I feel like that's what I should be doing. I want to give myself the space and permission to become what I've always referred to as the 'super-me'. To paint if I feel so inspired, to cook, to swim, to diet, to dance, to sing, to spend time alone, to spend time in a mob, to find my voice when I feel like I should use it--- all things that some people figured out a long long long time ago--- just not me. I feel like I'm liberating myself- like I've got a key and I sneak in to find myself in a bird-cage, and I'm saying 'go on! spread your wings! fly fly!' Staying right here for now, but it feels pretty good.
A big part that sounds ridiculous, is that I'm acknowledging to the whole wide world and smiling about it, is yes, I am probably a hippie. I'm a hippie that loves my sassy black shoes that have heels- I'm a hippie that wears lipstick and sometimes digs fashion magazines. I'm a walking contradiction much of the time, but whatever, we all are. But yes, beneath it all, put me in the garden of eden, let me run around in hot tubs with flowers in my hair, I'm a hippie.
Yahoooooooooo!
I digress.
As Journey would sing, I'm feeling the joy of rediscovering myself. I want to figure out what works and what doesn't... let the rest sluff off, sifted through the fine mesh web of choices and make decisions that I'll look back on with pride and a great big smile. It feels fantastic and I'm glad I finally made it here.
There. I felt like writing, so I did.
I just spent two weeks in mind-blowing Maui. I'm ready to spend 365 days there squeezing dirt and hanging with chickens, lettuces and avocado trees. I loved it there. I loved the sun that said hello every day and left me with pinkish-brown kissed cheeks. I loved the giant sea turtles that blessed me with their presence when I happened to paddle-meander into their chosen coral reefs. I loved the sunrises that I woke up to every morning and the sunsets that helped me say goodbye to the amazing days that came before them. Maui. Maui Maui Maui. Maui on my brain.
One of the lessons I learned there in Maui was that after dragging toppling suitcases through the airport and squeezing their contents into the convertible (not easy with 2 over-eager packing princesses in a 2 bag trunk space) was that I didn't need that much at all. At all. Never carried a purse, instead made the camera bag my purse. It had zippers- all I needed. I wore tank tops and swim suits, my same pair of shorts every day, and yes, I had my 'dress up' nights, but overall, I only needed a fraction of what I took. As I thought about that, I reflected on ALL the crap that encompasses my life suitcase and man oh man it's overflowing. I've got more clothes than I will ever wear out in my lifetime. It's so rare that I wear anything thin (side for my favorite pairs of socks- they never seem to last long enough) that I am trying to turn around my consuming habits as of last week.
I go in to stores now, but do it more to look and see what's there. And strangely, the first thought that I'm thinking when I pick up another beautiful hoody is 'I don't need this in Maui.' I saw a gorgeous watch as I was just flipping through my 15th catalog in the pile that acrued while I was on island, and yep, time doesn't matter on Maui. Still trying to unpack everything I took- haven't washed yet, haven't folded, still in suitcase, but I don't feel like I even want to put it away.
Have you heard of Saturn Return? Hippy dippy introspective stuff, but the jist is that, based on 7 year cycles, our soul's energy goes up and down through life-- big years being the multiples of 7. I think I heard about this in my 26-27 year. Big crunch, that time between 28-30. Who the heck am I- what am I doing- how do I do it- where do I go- what do I do definition squeezing role playing understanding self stuff. I turned 35 in March. This year has been a tricky one for me (aren't they all?) but this one feels a little bit different. I feel like I'm allowing myself to become my truest self. I'm enjoying people I love, I'm doing what works for me, I'm making choices for myself. Hoping this doesn't sound selfish- but acknowledging that to some it will. It's hard to not feel like putting yourself or your needs first is a bad thing, but right now, I feel like that's what I should be doing. I want to give myself the space and permission to become what I've always referred to as the 'super-me'. To paint if I feel so inspired, to cook, to swim, to diet, to dance, to sing, to spend time alone, to spend time in a mob, to find my voice when I feel like I should use it--- all things that some people figured out a long long long time ago--- just not me. I feel like I'm liberating myself- like I've got a key and I sneak in to find myself in a bird-cage, and I'm saying 'go on! spread your wings! fly fly!' Staying right here for now, but it feels pretty good.
A big part that sounds ridiculous, is that I'm acknowledging to the whole wide world and smiling about it, is yes, I am probably a hippie. I'm a hippie that loves my sassy black shoes that have heels- I'm a hippie that wears lipstick and sometimes digs fashion magazines. I'm a walking contradiction much of the time, but whatever, we all are. But yes, beneath it all, put me in the garden of eden, let me run around in hot tubs with flowers in my hair, I'm a hippie.
Yahoooooooooo!
I digress.
As Journey would sing, I'm feeling the joy of rediscovering myself. I want to figure out what works and what doesn't... let the rest sluff off, sifted through the fine mesh web of choices and make decisions that I'll look back on with pride and a great big smile. It feels fantastic and I'm glad I finally made it here.
There. I felt like writing, so I did.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
words
Now that I'm attaching this website address to emails I'm sending out, I guess it's time I step it up and write. This is not new- this blog thing- I've enjoyed doing in the past, at other sites, but this site is relatively newish. I try not to censor myself, I try to comment on what seems relavent, to me at least, and I try to not have fear in putting it out there.
This post is dedicated to being a goofball. To ending arguments before they begin because you don't want to have one to begin with. To king sized heath bars. To the way Joe snores. To Indian Flowered gold nose-rings. To a great tooth brush that reaches the places normal tooth brushes can't. To courage. To floating in the sky. To facebook as a great connector. To a cell phone that actually keeps a charge. To uploading clips in high resolution that play smoothly, beautifully, and well. To digital free basic cable! To the days of road trips and pie summits. To dances under the moon to the best music i've ever heard. To util-i-kilt man. To friends old and new. To solar power, wind power, recycling water, healing the earth and the oceans. To cool summer days that don't go above 70. To hot summer days that now make me appreciate the cool ones. To flowers and bees and seeds.
But not to the fruit flies! Damn fruit flies.
There. I felt like writing so I did.
This post is dedicated to being a goofball. To ending arguments before they begin because you don't want to have one to begin with. To king sized heath bars. To the way Joe snores. To Indian Flowered gold nose-rings. To a great tooth brush that reaches the places normal tooth brushes can't. To courage. To floating in the sky. To facebook as a great connector. To a cell phone that actually keeps a charge. To uploading clips in high resolution that play smoothly, beautifully, and well. To digital free basic cable! To the days of road trips and pie summits. To dances under the moon to the best music i've ever heard. To util-i-kilt man. To friends old and new. To solar power, wind power, recycling water, healing the earth and the oceans. To cool summer days that don't go above 70. To hot summer days that now make me appreciate the cool ones. To flowers and bees and seeds.
But not to the fruit flies! Damn fruit flies.
There. I felt like writing so I did.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Al says some good stuff...
He's not making it up. It's what we all need to be doing. It's how we need to be doing it.
I apologize for videos being taken down from youtube that I've posted links to here. I just don't have time to keep up with them all... but this is what our movie is about... changes we need to make right now.
Listen to it in the background if you don't have time to watch...
I apologize for videos being taken down from youtube that I've posted links to here. I just don't have time to keep up with them all... but this is what our movie is about... changes we need to make right now.
Listen to it in the background if you don't have time to watch...
Monday, July 14, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Dancing makes the world better, happier, come together...
I've been posting things to my facebook page, but I think it's time to start back to posting here as well. I hope you're wonderful, whoever you are, wherever you are. Happy day to you and it's one here, too.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
It's not always easy, but it's always worth it
So tonight I'm thinking about life in the mindset of total honesty. And with that...
I'm sitting with my computer on my lap, it's one in the morning, watching dancing with the stars on my laptop and i've been carbo-loading in prep for this activity. I just watched the cute bubbley diva from "Hairspray" have a melt-down in rehearsals for her big dance. Seeing this made me come to the conclusion that for at least a lot of us, life isn't always easy. Some make it look easier than others. Some slide across the dance floor without even hearing the music. Others listen so intensely that they can't even think to move. I'm realizing that I've had it easy for such a long time. I've been so lucky, and still have my luck when it comes to getting the best parking spots at the grocery store, and that I ended up on the floor to watch Obama's Portland Rally... but you know what? I can't always be the lucky one. There are many people in the world who have earned their luck, too. I say that, cause I think it's not always given, and it's not always earned, and it's not always random. Sometimes it's none, sometimes is all... I'm still watching the dancing and am feeling distracted, so I'm rambling, but not gonna edit. Words for the world, for none or for all.
Even though I didn't get a job I thought I'd get today, I still feel really lucky. I feel like I've got the most amazing family in the whole world and am in love with the same man after three years together. That feels like luck, but we've earned it, too. Luck is the family part.
I'm proud to be 35 and a day, proud and lucky. Earning the grey and the wrinkle, earning the sunny days as much as trying to gain understanding for the rainy ones.
With love
I'm sitting with my computer on my lap, it's one in the morning, watching dancing with the stars on my laptop and i've been carbo-loading in prep for this activity. I just watched the cute bubbley diva from "Hairspray" have a melt-down in rehearsals for her big dance. Seeing this made me come to the conclusion that for at least a lot of us, life isn't always easy. Some make it look easier than others. Some slide across the dance floor without even hearing the music. Others listen so intensely that they can't even think to move. I'm realizing that I've had it easy for such a long time. I've been so lucky, and still have my luck when it comes to getting the best parking spots at the grocery store, and that I ended up on the floor to watch Obama's Portland Rally... but you know what? I can't always be the lucky one. There are many people in the world who have earned their luck, too. I say that, cause I think it's not always given, and it's not always earned, and it's not always random. Sometimes it's none, sometimes is all... I'm still watching the dancing and am feeling distracted, so I'm rambling, but not gonna edit. Words for the world, for none or for all.
Even though I didn't get a job I thought I'd get today, I still feel really lucky. I feel like I've got the most amazing family in the whole world and am in love with the same man after three years together. That feels like luck, but we've earned it, too. Luck is the family part.
I'm proud to be 35 and a day, proud and lucky. Earning the grey and the wrinkle, earning the sunny days as much as trying to gain understanding for the rainy ones.
With love
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Whatever it is, it's time
For whatever reason, I've stopped writing. I write lots of emails, I'm just starting to journal again, but I lost my writing mojo for more than a year now. Now I'm trying to get it back.
My resolution for the new year was to move forward, in whatever direction feels good to me- my goal is just to move towards what feels good. This thought has given me a lot of clarity. I've been in a relationship that has faced many challenges. Life has seemed to be full of those challenges- financially, mentally, physically, emotionally. But you know what? To get past them, it takes movement... like dancing, or running, or pushing through whatever seems to suck at the moment, and making it better, however that can happen. Dude, the treadmill's movement can be intoxicating. And a movement in a piece of classical music can transcend space and time... but whatever, I'm rambling.
Movement.
So just now, I felt like writing, so I did.
My resolution for the new year was to move forward, in whatever direction feels good to me- my goal is just to move towards what feels good. This thought has given me a lot of clarity. I've been in a relationship that has faced many challenges. Life has seemed to be full of those challenges- financially, mentally, physically, emotionally. But you know what? To get past them, it takes movement... like dancing, or running, or pushing through whatever seems to suck at the moment, and making it better, however that can happen. Dude, the treadmill's movement can be intoxicating. And a movement in a piece of classical music can transcend space and time... but whatever, I'm rambling.
Movement.
So just now, I felt like writing, so I did.
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